December 13 2009
The 2000s: Movies That Made Me The Angriest
I don’t expect much when I go to the movie theater or rent a DVD. The risk of wasting two hours on something bad or forgettable is a small price to pay, considering how many times I’ve been surprised by brilliant mind-benders like Memento and Being John Malkovich, beautiful visions like The Fountain and The Fall, or bizarre adventures like Buckaroo Bonzai and Stingray Sam. But once in a while a film manages to push the wrong buttons and make me furious for giving it my precious time. Here are ten from the past decade that I’ll see in Hell.
Punch-Drunk Love, 2002
I can’t quite explain what put me off about this. I’m a fan of Adam Sandler, both his goofy and serious work, and his acting here is fine. The plot is an improvement over the sprawling mess of PT Anderson’s previous film Magnolia. Something about the atmosphere just grated on me and made my blood pressure spike, especially the nerve-wracking over-amplified audio. Ironically even as I covered my ears I knew the soundtrack sans film would become one of my faves.
The Guatemalan Handshake, 2006
Several things contributed to me probably not giving this a fair shake, including an oven-like cramped theater and a bad day at work. Still, I consider this a heavy-handed, mean-spirited Napoleon Dynamite wanna-be. Lord knows I love quirky characters but names like Turkeylegs and Lunchmeat are beyond dumb. Killing a small dog for laughs is guaranteed to turn me off, and that’s just the opening scene. One of the few films I’ve ever walked out on.
The Black Dahlia, 2006
One of the few films I wish I walked out on. A legendary Hollywood murder is the basis for this movie and it’s a crime that such a story was so wasted. I could write it off as an unintentional comedy for its overly clichéd characters if it wasn’t for all the gratuitous shots of grisly mutilation.
Surveillance, 2008
Jennifer Lynch infuriated me with the horrible twist ending to her horrible film Boxing Helena. I figured 15 years was enough time for Ms. Lynch to learn from her mistakes and gave her second film a shot. I braced myself through all the pointless poor attempts at copying her father’s signature surreal humor, believing that the threads would tie up to an interesting ending. Sorry Jennifer, you’re back on my shit list for yet another climactic cop-out.
A.I. Artificial Intelligence, 2001
You know a film is in trouble when the best performance is given by a monotone, robotic stuffed bear. There’s debate over whether Kubrick or Spielberg is to blame for the tacked-on final chapter that ruins everything leading up to it. The pace-halting prison scene at the end of Minority Report should remove any doubt.
Fat Albert, 2004
Of course it would be bad, but my curiosity got the better of me. Fat Albert was my favorite cartoon growing up in the 1970s. This movie not only spits on my childhood memories but kicks them in the crotch with cleats. I want to punch everyone involved in this film.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2008
Why did I believe Lucas and Spielberg when they promised to keep this CGI-free? It’s a circus of computer monkeys and digital ants, with a tired old ringleader aping for a paycheck. I’m proof that there’s a sucker born every minute.
S. Darko, 2009
Richard Kelly’s denouncement of involvement should have turned me away from the start. It’s like the producers hated Donnie Darko fans and created a sequel simply to torture them with. It pisses all over every carefully constructed bit of mythology from the original.
Tideland, 2005
I’ve defended Terry Gilliam plenty throughout the years for providing such whimsical child-like delights. Not this time. It will take a lot to earn back my trust after such an offensive audience-hating turd.
The Cat in the Hat, 2003
I had the sense to avoid Jim Carrey as The Grinch. What made me think a live-action Cat in the Hat wouldn’t be completely awful? Maybe it was my love for Mike Myers, sadly delivering the worst performance possible as a Bronx-born wise-cracking MILF hunter. Who thought a classic childrens story needed such excessive, sexually inappropriate padding? Simply vile.
Speaking of unnecessary remakes I’m still waiting for the watered-down film version of the musical version of Evil Dead that my parents can enjoy and sing along to.
but Richard Kelly’s director’s cut didn’t give you a clue?
Mike- I didn’t see The Box on here…
I don’t think I can do justice to this list, my film time is limited these days, I just block out angry times at the theatre/ at home on my TV.
I need to make a list of “Movies I Can’t Believe I Enjoyed That Were Designed To Make Me Angry.”
The Box, Inland Empire, Deadgirl, Spongebob Squarepants the Movie…
Some films that made me angry:
Superman Returns- Big Blue as a stalker, and a son?!? WTF?
X-3- first ten minutes the paragon X-Man is killed.
The Happening- I like the actor, but man was Mark Wahlberg bad in this, as was Leguizamo.
Iron Man- for reasons personal.
Miami Vice- for this film to have featuted and highlighted music as the series did was so wrong.
Oh wow, Superman Returns made me so blazingly angry that I forcibly blocked it out. That’s my real #1.
The Happening didn’t anger me, I consider it one of the decade’s best comedies.
Happening made me angry, because that trailer with all teh folks falling off the roof.. had so much promise.
It was so awful.
I don’t think Tideland was all that bad. I’m not sure if I like it, but there are definitely good elements and a sweetness to it. I’m not sure what people find so “offensive” about it. Yes, there’s all the business with her father’s corpse, and the relationship with the neighbor boy, but it’s not really more disturbing subject matter than many other movies deal with.
I posit that Hollywood is out to grind everything I love into a paste of mediocrity.
First, let’s talk unnecessary horror movie remakes: Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Dawn of the Dead, The House of Wax, The Grudge, The Ring, The Fog, The Hills Have Eyes…
Then, if it wasn’t enough that my lowbrow faves got worked over unmercifully, some of my favorite high cultcha Victorian books got turned into stomach-turning films:
The Picture of Dorian Gray (2008) – the straightest version of Wilde’s novel yet, which essentially misses the point.
A Christmas Carol (2009) – Dickens’s haunting tale of the inhumanity inherent to economic disparity gets turned into a CGI vehicle for that fuckface Jim Carrey.
Pride and Prejudice (2005) – Keira Knightley does her best Winona Ryder impression and the whole thing turns into a Harlequin Romance by the end.
…and with the absolutely horrendous-looking Sherlock Holmes on the way, there is no end in sight.
by Jack on December 13, 2009 @ 10:37 am