The land of botched sequels gets a new queen with the straight-to-DVD release of S. Darko. I don’t know why it isn’t titled Samantha Darko, but my best guess is that the “S” stands for something other than the lead character’s name. And this movie is a pile of it.

As for many who saw Donnie Darko it quickly became one of my favorite films. Its spooky, bewildering symbols and imagery force the audience to think long afterward about what actually happens and why. Characters are odd and deeply flawed while remaining realistic and sympathetic. The plot and structure are boldly inventive. A devastating resolution implodes the circular, self-contained story. Writer/director Richard Kelly will be lucky to ever capture lightning in a bottle like this again. So why not make a sequel?

Movies like Ghostbusters II, Back to the Future II, The Blair Witch Project II, the American version of The Ring II and other misguided cash-ins are lessons in why not. S. Darko repeats their biggest mistake: cloning their predecessors’ key scenes and surprises but leaving aside the “rules” that make them somehow work. Let’s check off just some of the touchstones making an encore appearance.

• An unexplained object falling from the sky and missing its destined human target
• A sleepwalking character given ghostly guidance to burn down a building
• Mutterings of “they made me do it”
• Watery CGI tentacles and black hole portals
• Dim-witted religious types with questionable morals
• Revelatory visions in an empty movie theater
• Countdown to the Universe ending on an American holiday
• End montage of characters remembering bits of their alternate lives

The first film carefully pieced these into a complex puzzle with a defined (though cryptic) logic. With neither explanation nor context they seem completely random and silly the second time around. Worst is the return of a mysterious person in a creepy metal rabbit mask. The back-story making him a pivotal figure for Donnie is gone, but that bunny skull sure looks cool on a poster. With so many weird things already in place, the filmmakers must have thought that tossing in a bunch of other random craziness could only bump things up a notch. We’re treated to such obtuse and under-explained devices as a glowing feather, windmills, a phoenix, a book of Jesusology and even fourth-dimensional tesseracts. From the opening scene’s prancing unicorn cloud I knew this movie was doomed.

The only welcome returning feature is Daveigh Chase as Samantha. It seems an obvious choice to follow-up on the character’s life after being saved by her brother’s self-sacrifice. Unfortunately she’s pretty much an aimless mope who’s done little in seven years. She’s far from the mythology’s only unnecessary and dissatisfying expanded element. Were fans dying to know how her poem about Ariel the unicorn ends? Does Grandma Death need to have a war vet grandson that’s crazier than her? Does Samantha really think her days in Sparkle Motion will lead to a dancing career? And how much of a tease is it to bring back The Philosophy of Time Travel and not provide any new insight to its contents?

Speaking of tease, the sexual tension in this film is off the charts. Samantha and her sassy friend hunker down in a town full of hunks who do their best not to notice the girls’ hot pants and skimpy PJs. You know it’s an alternate universe when even the outcast nerd looks like Johnny Depp. At least the attractive actors hold attention while delivering terrible non sequiturs such as supposing that God’s farts taste like marshmallows.

I can’t believe I’ve devoted this much time and typing to such a terrible movie but it really has me incensed. I’ll at least give it points for being shot well and using Cocteau Twins in the soundtrack. Don’t see this film.

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